Update: She did not fall off the face of the earth.

Daily Affirmation: I will make more time for writing.

I'm sure people are reading this blog. All those people who Google "Flaming June" and "Butter" and "Random Whining Blog Entry by a Moody Woman"? They are FLOCKING to this blog in droves!

I haven't been a total lump all these months. I have been writing. Little pieces of short fiction, which seem to be my strength and yield the best results. I even won a contest. An obscure, regional, 12-people-read-my-winning-essay-contest. And yes, maybe those 12 people were in my own family, but dammit(!), it still counts as readership! Here it is, if you'd like to read it yourself, all you faithful followers of my blog: My Earth Day Essay.

Now as a disclaimer to this prestigious award, although on the list of Winners, I am listed as "second place", I was actually the first place winner in the Short Fiction category. I won second place overall. And if you don't believe me, you can clearly read in the Comments that the blog moderator made a mistake in his post. Also, if you want to read the essay itself, you have to click "DOCUMENTS" at the top of the page, and then all of the winning essays will pop up.

I kind of like the fact that I won, but kind of hate the fact that presenting the winning story is such a process. Two paragraphs of explanation and apologies before you even read the essay. But, hey, it's just a local Spokane thing. Not exactly the New York Times.

Besides that, I'm working on that whole self-improvement thing. Moving along in the career, planning to start taking classes in the Winter quarter at the local CC, and while the weather is good, I'm even attempting to get outside and exercise a bit. Be healthy, be positive, be creative, and whatnot.

I will try to be more diligent in my posts. Can't let all you faithful readers believe I'm stuck in the funk that I whined about in my January 2011 post. Bad Blogger! I will try to do better.

I remember thinking by 30, my life would be all figured out. Ha ha.

Writing has always been a good thing for me. But like so many other things in my life that bring me personal satisfaction, I push them to the side. I might indulge myself here and there, but it goes in cycles.

I'm living my life. Get up, take care of the kids, do the groceries, do laundry, go to work, come home for dinner, feel exhausted, go to bed. The every day grind of life passes in a blur, and before I know it, months have passed. Wasn't it just September? When did January get here?

I begin to feel dissatisfied. I'm too fat. I never exercise. I dislike my job. I wonder if everyone else has career satisfaction at this point in their lives, and why I can't seem to make up my mind about what I want to do with my life, even though I'm in my 30's now. I am dissatisfied with my children's behavior. I think that if I had a fast forward button, I would certainly use it to move quickly past the teenage years. I think of my past. I think of how (before children, work, responsibilities...) I used to have interesting aspirations and interests. I used to thrift for cute outfits. I used to take yoga. I used to be interested in causes. I used to go out...at night...after 8pm.

So, here I am, feeling all these feelings of dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle. So, I start exercising. I go on a diet. I vow to take a fun class at the local university...learn to knit...swing dance...creative writing. I analyze my relationships with my children, and vow to work on them. I swear I'm going to have a "date night" with my husband, and leave the house on a Saturday night. I wrinkle my nose at the vast numbers of stretchy black yoga pants I've amassed, and vow to wear skirts or jeans more often. But, that one goes back to the exercise resolution...so just promise myself to look for a cute sweater next time I hit the Goodwill.

Promises, promises....easy to make...hard to keep. I cycle myself from depression into motivation. When I get that spark to do something, I do lift myself up, and push ahead. But I am riding in this race of motivation on a rusty bicycle, and gosh, if I don't just get so tired of change, and slow down my own progress until I've pretty much chucked that bicycle off to the side of the road, and laid down in the grass and let my life run past me again. I can't keep up. I can't stay motivated. What is wrong with me??

So, the promises become dissapointments. The dissapointments become my reality. And the reality of my life leaves me...sad.

I know I have lots of things that are wonderful. My husband, I love him so much. After 12 years, I'm still IN LOVE with him, and that is a rare gift. My children, good girls that they are, not perfect, but they make me happy (most of the time). My home, which is so very nice...nicer than I ever thought I could have for myself. Simple, not huge, but cozy. My job, part time is what I wanted, so I could still be with my kids. It's for a non-profit, which I told myself would give me a sense of satisfaction that I wasn't feeling when I worked for a corporation. These are the things I said I wanted, and I have them...and yet....

I guess it's a sense of PERSONAL dissatisfaction. I am not happy with myself. I make too many decisions based on what is best for my family, for our income, what is most practical, and not what will make me happy. I have few friends right now. I have no hobbies. I need something more in my life. But what? And how do I get it?

At least I'm writing it out...thats something. Maybe this will be enough to make me feel a bit better about myself today. I produced something. I created something. Just for me.

Holiday Confusion

Hi. I know there is nobody out there. I'm just talking to myself, but I guess that's ok. I've been away..but not really. I've been unmotivated, is more like it. I guess everybody goes through that. You start a blog, you post every day, you are a font of creativity. You feel good about it. You start to wind down, you post every few days, then every few weeks, then you quit. You feel bad about it. Your font has dried up. But today I felt the motivation to say a few words, so even if nobody reads it, I can let go of my guilt for ignoring the blog.

So, about the title "Holiday Confusion", it is my own affliction. I am here, present, in mid-October. I went to the store this week, spent lots of cash on Halloween candy, and last weekend, we hit the local farms up in Green Bluff to pick our own pumpkins. I have my living room and family room decorated in a very "AUTUMN" theme. Pumpkins, mini-scarecrows, spicy smelling candles are burning...from the outside, I look like I'm all-in, as far as AUTUMN goes.

But alas, it is a sham. And the saddest part about it is, I LOVE the fall season! I have been in very warm states for the past 10 years, and have not seen the leaves change, nor felt the brisk wind of the dropping temperatures, nor have I even had a decent pumpkin patch to choose my Halloween pumpkin from. Unless you count that tented space in the parking lot on PCH in Torrance, with some pitiful goats in a pen and perfect pumpkins in long, organized rows. I don't count that. Fall has always been my favorite season, and I've missed it terribly. But this year, our first year back in a cold climate, and I'm not invested in it. I'm ready to skip over it. I want it to be CHRISTMAS!!

Sigh. Yes, I said Christmas. And believe it or not, I've been ready for Christmas since August.

It is a special season this year because 1. It is our first in our very own home, not military housing, and 2. My parents are coming for a short visit, and will be seeing the new house, and the new state, for the first time. I'm very excited.

I have all sorts of decorating ideas. I'm planning to do two trees, a family tree (large and live), and a vintage tree (small and artificial). I've been scouting thrift stores and EBay for months, looking for great deals on vintage ornaments. Back in July, I bought two matching Christmas wreaths at a garage sale. I have been anxiously awaiting the Christmas catalogs and magazines, for ideas. I've actually had to reign myself in recently, because my holiday enthusiasm was causing me frustration, and I don't want to be frustrated. The thrift stores are chock-a-block full of Halloween decor. I know, just as soon as Halloween is over, the Christmas merchandise will hit the shelves, but I get annoyed when I want to find some blue mercury glass balls for my vintage tree, and instead, there are mountains of plastic pumpkins and skulls and fake corn cobs.

I am annoyed at myself, for not appreciating my favorite season of the year. But then again, I want to press fast forward through October and November, and just get to December already!

That is not to say I'm not having my moments. I love the rainbow of trees in the area. Washington state is just beautiful. Our trip to Green Bluff last weekend was so great, with the apple orchards, hayrides, pumpkin patch, and mini-horse farm. Not to mention the smell of pumpkin donuts cooking, and a big slice of apple pie a la mode, with hot apple cider! Fabulous!

BUT....I admit it, right now, at this very moment, I'm listening to Christmas music on Pandora. I can't help it. My mind is otherwise occupied. I'm budgeting for presents. I'm planning menus. Thanksgiving? Hurry up and get yourself over and done with! Yes, yes, yes, bring on the turkey and stuffing, but I'll be waiting for the first week in December, when we can head back out to Green Bluff and cut our own tree down this year! Whoo hoo!! Merry Autumn!

*Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/eklektick/

I’ve got some skills. But not that many.

This is a test of my recently downloaded version of Microsoft Word 2010. In my ignorance, I assumed that using one Word program was as simple as using another Word program. And, I guess, that is a mostly true statement. However, it is not all fun and games when you are trying to remember skills that have not been practiced for more than three years now. It is not that Word 2010 is some revelation of new technology, but I think my lack of familiarity with the format of the program could potentially hurt me in my job search.

It is sort of like heading back to your old home town after moving away 10 years ago. You know where everything is…but there has been some rapid suburban development since your departure, and you can't quite get your bearings. When did they build that new grocery store? Didn't that used to be a corn field? Oh…I was headed to the Dunkin' Donuts on Main Street, but I guess they closed that one down and built a new one over on 8^th Street? Now, I know how to get from the High School to the Mall, but now they've built a new freeway entrance, and I can't figure out where to get on the stupid thing!! It's confusion, but not a void of knowledge. You've been away for quite awhile, things have changed, and now you have to find your way around again. For example, this Word 2010 now has a Blog Post feature. What the heck is that and how do you utilize it?? So , that brings us to this entry, and my attempt to use the thing and become the Word Wiz I once was.

That's another thing, I used to be the girl in the office, in my early to mid 20's, that could guide all of my older coworkers on the complexities of Microsoft Outlook and the mysteries of the Mail Merge. I was the girl who fixed the printer problems, and could manage the computers with confidence and ease. Just goes to show…in today's world…you take 3 years off to be a stay at home mother, and the train of technology speeds off without you. Progress waits for no man…nor woman either.

Now I fear I may be the one looking cluelessly at my blinking curser in the new Excel format. I don't want to be that clueless person, so I guess I'll do my best with my 60 day Free Trial of Office 2010, to learn all there is to know and be ready when they ask me (at my next job interview) If I actually KNOW what I'm doing around a computer, or if I just surf the net and update my Facebook profile all day. Hopefully, I can say I'm a pro at "all of the above".

Yeah, I liked that Reading Rainbow show. So what?

I love reading so much. I would gladly neglect everything else in my life to be left alone, reading. I don't need to shower...nor do I need to eat...nor do I need to socialize. I just want to be all alone with a never ending supply of books.

Let me start out by saying I don't like that Kindle thing. I don't want one. You might think that because I am such a voracious reader, that I would enjoy such a gadget. But you would be wrong.

I enjoy the physicality of books. I like to choose my books from the vibe they impart to me from the shelf. I like to judge a book by it's cover...meaning that I do appreciate and choose books sometimes based on the lure of an attractive outer shell. I like to see the book, hold the book, and perhaps read the first few lines of the first chapter. The style of writing will usually catch me within the first few sentences, and I can quickly decide if the book will hold my interest from that point on.

I like a nice thick, heavy, clock-you-on-the-head, kind of book. I am not trying to be intellectual or some kind of a braggart, but I read very quickly. Too quickly. I can usually finish 500 pages in a couple of days. And that is not uninterrupted reading either, but whatever time I can glean between daily chores and children and the distractions of living life. If I did have the opportunity to read 100% without interruption, I could knock out a pile of hefty novels in record time.

If a book is too small, I may just put it back on the shelf again. I find a short book terribly unsatisfying. Like those tiny brownie bites they think are going to satisfy your craving for chocolate, when actually, all they do is leave you staring at the empty wrapper and wishing you hadn't even bothered to waste the calories.

I like real books from the library. I like getting them for free, especially since I polish them off so quickly. It is such a waste of $14 of my precious dollars to purchase a book at Borders when I'm going to finish it in less than a weekend. I'm not opposed to the second hand book stores, or even Goodwill's hit or miss book section, but the Library is so perfectly clean and categorized. So quiet and peaceful. I can touch the books, skim the slightly yellowed pages, and let the book sell itself to me.

Thats one reason I just really dislike the Kindle. Your buying a service. Your buying a lightweight, computer generated, breakable, GADGET. I am overwhelmed with gadgets as it is. I do appreciate my computer, and my cell phone, but I don't need to curl up on the sofa on a quiet evening with yet another gadget. Gadgets are not cozy. Gadgets cannot withstand me smashing them into the sand at the beach. I don't want Amazon updating my "book" with it's special offers and free download opportunities. I just want to do it the old fashioned way, by turning the pages. With my fingers.

Yes, yes, I know, it is meant to appeal to the techie generation...those people who have their i-phone always in-hand, and can't be bothered to heft a real book in their laptop case, as it would throw off their balance as they try to text their boss with one hand and sip their latte with the other. A real book is antiquated. It is just so much easier to download your next book club recommendation, rather than waste your precious time getting cross-eyed in a bookstore!

My lifestyle choice is to be a rare, but not extinct, creature of the past. We few remaining specimens are hardcore, but mostly docile creatures. We are instinctual, but expressive...often verbose in our descriptive communications. In the modern world, we fear our main source of sustenance will soon disappear. The newspaper and magazine are soon to be relics...and daily pulp communication will be completely online. Why read the Washington Post or a Glamor magazine when you can just check out the website? I fear that the encroachment of the Kindle, and it's brotherhood of imitators, will soon devour the books that sustain my kind forever.

The Bookworm, a proud species, will be forced to evolve into something else. Some hybrid of the Computer-Nerd and the Spectacled-Librarian. I don't want to be extinct. I want to have the title carved into my headstone when I die:

Here Lies Jennifer Watts.

Mother,

Wife,

Bookworm.

Nothing is Something

I should do something. But I don't feel like it. I mean, it's not as if I have not done anything all day. I probably did more before 9am than most people. However, that after lunch lethargy just drags me down. I still have a sink full of breakfast, and also lunch, dishes to wash. But first I have to empty the dishwasher of the clean dishes. Blah. Boring. Maybe I should make the children do it? Yes, that sounds like a plan.

That still leaves me sitting here. Like a lumpy lump.

There is laundry waiting for me. But the basket is all the way down in the basement. So far!! If I try to bring all these dirty clothes down in my arms without a basket, it will be 2007 all over again, and I will have another broken leg from falling down my stairs. No thanks.

So...no laundry then either.

Yard work? Nope, too hot. However, my daughter did give me a compliment this morning in saying that I have become a "gardener". I guess because I planted some flowers in a couple of pots and they didn't die yet, and I mowed the grass on Monday. That qualifies as gardening.

TV is deadly boring in the afternoons. So I won't be going down that road.

I've already done my daily internet job-search, and actually applied online for two positions. Even if I never get a call for an interview, I feel I've accomplished something in the "work" venue by sending out the applications.

I could bring the giant mountain of Diet Pepsi cans to the recycling center. But that would require me to load up the van with those sticky, drippy things, and drive all the way over there. Not that it's far, but it is the principle of the thing.

I don't know what principle I'm shying away from, but it sounded like a legitimate excuse to me.

Should I run the vacuum cleaner? No..better not...the baby is napping. That would wake her.

Golly! There is really nothing for me to do today! I guess I"ll just continue to sit here, like a lump, and maybe bark some orders at the older children to do something.

I might be doing "nothing" but obviously, if you've read my excuses (above), you will agree that that is absolutely the proper thing for me to be doing at this moment. They, on the other hand, should be productive with their day. The freedom of youth is short lived!

Soon, the dulldrums of adulthood will be upon them. I feel it is only fair that I prepare them in advance by making them do the chores I don't feel like doing today.

For their own good.

*Yawn*...maybe I'll take a nap.

Butter Makes It Better

I know I've been neglecting the blog. I saw it happen to other people, but I swore it wouldn't happen to me. In all honesty, my avoidance of writing has been a two-prong issue.

Issue 1: As mentioned in my last post, everyone in my house was barfing. Puke can really keep a person away from the thoughtful, reflective, alone-time of writing a blog.

Issue 2: I honestly didn't feel like I've had anything interesting to say. This issue, in retrospect, should have been a non-issue. In reviewing past entries, any moron could clearly see that I've written a lengthy blog entry regardless of their relevance or interest to anyone else but me.

So...I guess I have no excuse. Moving on then, what shall todays topic be? Food? Ok, I think that will work.

I have lately been worried about my relationship with food. Not only because of the obvious extra weight I've been carting for about 3 years now, but also because I have begun to wonder if my love of food is abnormal in any way.

I would not suggest that it is just a "woman thing" to be comforted by certain foods, but if my husband is any indication, a mans viewpoint on eating is very different from a womans. He could care less about food. Really. It is something he does merely to keep living. Yes, he may "enjoy" a good bowl of chicken and dumplins', or polish off his (small) serving of food and say "Dang, that was good, honey!". But in reality, food is nothing to him. He eats because his body needs the fuel. He is not a snacker, and never has been. I'm sitting there, popping Wheat Thins like a champ, (and oh yea, do we have any of that cheese block left in the frig?) and he can stand right next to me and not eat a single cracker.

I am trying to understand him, and in the process, understand myself, when it comes to food. What is better than a nice warm roll, fresh from the oven? Well, a nice warm roll with butter, of course! What is more delicious than the blend of Thanksgiving dinner, singing together in delicious harmony on your fork....cranberries, turkey, stuffing, gravy? Not much compares with that. Give me a nice, crisp, salad and I'll enjoy the heck out of it, but I'd enjoy it even more if you make it a Chef Salad (minus the ham, double the turkey) or my all time favorite, the Waldorf Salad. Italian food, Chinese food, Mexican food? I'm there. I'm all in.

And Brian, well, he's there...but he'll only have a bit..then he's full. The little switch inside his brain that tells him to "Eat the food, savor the food, love the food." is obviously turned off. His switch is simply stuck in the "Eat the food" position. Then it has a small warning light that blinks when his tummy gets full. Unlike my warning light, which appears to have burnt out, and never warns me against the evils of the second helping.

One point of contention between us is the issue of ice cream. He simply does not understand the pleasure I derive from eating the stuff. He just doesn't get it. I have already psycho-analyzed my love of ice cream, and I can clearly trace it back to my childhood in Pennsylvania, perhaps the Summer Ice Cream Eating Capitol of the United States. There are Mom & Pop ice cream shops in every town. Not only that, but if your a long-time resident, you know exactly where to go for the biggest scoops and best flavor selection. I have many (and I mean many) happy childhood memories of eating a big scoop of mint chocolate chip or cookies n'cream (depending on the time line..was it before or after 4th grade? I pick a favorite and stick with it.) and sitting on a sticky picnic table with my family, enjoying the treat like crazy. Usually, we'd go for ice cream after supper, so the sun would be going down, lightning bugs would begin to emerge into the fading dusk, and the heat of the day would dissipate. I'd sit on the sticky bench, swing my tanned and scabby knees, and lick that cone for all it was worth. Ice cream equals good memories for me.

Brian, on the other hand, thinks ice cream is a too-sweet, too-filling, too fattening item, that people in Pennsylvania are addicted to like crazy heroin junkies. I guess down in Georgia, they didn't indulge in ice cream too much. They were too busy sipping' sweet tea on their porch swings.

I wish I had his nonchalance about food sometimes. He's just moved beyond it. Of course, he doesn't like to get into debates about food with me. He is in the best shape of our marriage right now, due to his consistent running habit, and his general disdain for indulging in most food. I must also concede that he is Active Duty Military, and it is part of his job to stay fit.

But maybe because over the course of our marriage, I've seen his weight fluctuate, and now it has evened out and he looks great, I can only measure myself against him, and feel bad. I'm not huge, and please don't take my descriptions of food as an indication that I'm spooning ice cream down my gut between bites of Wheat Thins and swallows of gravy. I'm carrying a good 20 extra pounds, yes, but the point of this discussion is more to understand my attitude towards food than my daily consumption of it.

The other day, we went to Burger King for lunch. We both ordered the same thing, a chicken sandwich and fries. As I was polishing off the last of my sandwich (I'm not a total pig, I avoided the majority of the fries), I noticed that first, he'd abandoned the top of his sandwich bun. Half way through the meal, he'd discarded both buns, and was eating his sandwich quite naked. I got annoyed, both at the fact that I'd chowed down on my own sandwich without a second thought to the dangers of the "carbs", and also that he'd even bothered to order a sandwich at all. Why not just get chicken nuggets if your going to toss the bread??? So annoying!!

Just one of those times when his disdain for food, and my enjoyment of it, causes me to feel annoyed at him and embarrassed by myself. I hate carrying extra weight, but I love food. I really just wish I could separate myself from it like he has. He has the self control that I am lacking. He never associates a good meal with a good memory. He is simply never the one to suggest that we get dessert. Good Lord! He doesn't even care all that much for the Holy Grail of ALL Food - Chocolate!!!

I've got issues, clearly. I would just like to know more about how to deal with them, I guess. I don't want to turn off my love of a good meal, but I guess I wish I could adjust it more easily. I can say "no", but sometimes, I just associate the pleasure of eating with happiness, and I think that is a slippery slope that I'm already tumbling down. With a nice blueberry muffin in my hand. With butter, of course.

PS. Photo credit for above picture: Pennsylvanians do INDEED love their dairy. That is a 900 pound butter sculpture that was featured at the 93rd Pennsylvania State Farm Show.