Taking Chances

I'm kind of a coward.

Not really in the sense of bravery, but more in the sense of courage.

What does that mean, you may ask? Well, I heard a character in a movie say something about the difference between the two. They said "Bravery is doing something that may get you killed or injured, usually for the benefit of yourself or others. Courage is knowing that it may get you killed or injured, but doing it anyway."

I'm very brave in the sense that when I see an obstacle in front of me, I simply plow ahead. I do what needs to be done. I would do anything for my husband or my children, and if that means staring fear in the face to accomplish that goal, then I will just do it. If one of my children gets injured or is wronged by another child, or God forbid, an adult, I am right there. I step up, I step in, and I step over whatever may be blocking me from making things right again. I don't think, I just act.

It's thinking too much that gets me into trouble. I lack courage to accomplish the greater goals in my own life. I'm not short on dreams and ideas. Jeeze, I've got loads of those. But when I think about each one, my mind immediately throws up walls in front of me, telling me why reaching those goals is an impossibility. I picture all of the things that could slow me down, or all of the things that could defeat me. All of the reasons why I don't "need" to do this or that for myself. All of the reasons why everyone elses goals and dreams are far more important than my own.

If I do a short session of self-analysis , I can easily diagnose my own issues. My problem is in allowing myself to think ahead, to picture myself as a success at whatever it is I want to do. I don't "think positive". That is really a hard thing to do when it comes to my own life.

I am the first to encourage a friends or family to work hard and take chances. I am the first to offer words of encouragement. But my own inner voice tells me, "You need to be more practical. Don't waste time or money on ___________(fill in the blank with any of my own grab-bag of ideas). You know it will never work."

When it comes to courage, it's the "knowing" what will happen that stops me cold. Any fool can be brave if they don't stop to think about the consequences. Case in point, my long simmering idea to start my own second-hand business.

I've been in love with thrifting and antiquing since I was about 19. I have honed my bargaining skills and eye for discerning trash from treasure over many long years of practice. I've sweated it out in the merciless sun of California flea markets in July. I've sneezed and wiped grungy fingers on my jeans as I burrow through a heavy stack of junk to find the prize at the bottom of the pile. I've browsed the uppity antique shops in the seaside tourist towns of Maine. I've bargained down the grizzly old man with the mid-century furniture collection, and felt the adrenaline that only comes with the joy of getting "something" for close to "nothing".

Since moving to Spokane, my love of the hunt has bubbled over to a dangerous extent. Spokane is a thrifter's paradise. I'm already filling my kitchen with kitschy treasures. Do you even realize how many adorable sets of salt and pepper shakers there are in this world??

Even if I filled every room in my (relatively small) house, that itch would still need to be scratched. So...what would be a productive use of my time and talents? What would give me a sense of purpose during my days at home? What would allow me to do something I LOVE, and maybe, just maybe, make a few bucks from it? Well, selling my junk, of course! Opening my own Etsy or EBay shop. Starting my own little business.

But, back to the courage thing, despite how great it all sounds in my own afternoon daydreams, the practical side of it always ends up creeping in, and slamming the door shut on my best intentions. The "business" side of it is my least favorite part. The money, the taxes, the thought of being responsible not only to continue to find bargains, but to turn a profit from those finds? What if I failed? What if I gathered my inventory, opened an on-line shop, invested myself, and nobody bought my stuff?

The sheer number of pages that pop up on Etsy when you type in "vintage kitchen", for example, is staggering. It's 875 pages, if your curious. Thats a whole heck of a lot of competition.

Then again, what else am I doing? I'm not planning to work until September. I don't want the kids left alone all summer. I'd like something more to fill out my long days than just laundry and errands.

So, you may ask, what's holding her back? Why doesn't she just do it already?? Well, it's back to that whole courage thing again. I can talk this thing out a million different ways, but it always comes back to that. I'm a coward. Depressing thought, but oh-so-true. I have faith in everybody but myself.

I don't know...I'll think some more on it. I'm sure my Mom or Hubby will read this blog and give me some encouraging words. But until I believe in them myself, no amount of cheerleading will make me take that leap.