I remember thinking by 30, my life would be all figured out. Ha ha.

Writing has always been a good thing for me. But like so many other things in my life that bring me personal satisfaction, I push them to the side. I might indulge myself here and there, but it goes in cycles.

I'm living my life. Get up, take care of the kids, do the groceries, do laundry, go to work, come home for dinner, feel exhausted, go to bed. The every day grind of life passes in a blur, and before I know it, months have passed. Wasn't it just September? When did January get here?

I begin to feel dissatisfied. I'm too fat. I never exercise. I dislike my job. I wonder if everyone else has career satisfaction at this point in their lives, and why I can't seem to make up my mind about what I want to do with my life, even though I'm in my 30's now. I am dissatisfied with my children's behavior. I think that if I had a fast forward button, I would certainly use it to move quickly past the teenage years. I think of my past. I think of how (before children, work, responsibilities...) I used to have interesting aspirations and interests. I used to thrift for cute outfits. I used to take yoga. I used to be interested in causes. I used to go out...at night...after 8pm.

So, here I am, feeling all these feelings of dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle. So, I start exercising. I go on a diet. I vow to take a fun class at the local university...learn to knit...swing dance...creative writing. I analyze my relationships with my children, and vow to work on them. I swear I'm going to have a "date night" with my husband, and leave the house on a Saturday night. I wrinkle my nose at the vast numbers of stretchy black yoga pants I've amassed, and vow to wear skirts or jeans more often. But, that one goes back to the exercise resolution...so just promise myself to look for a cute sweater next time I hit the Goodwill.

Promises, promises....easy to make...hard to keep. I cycle myself from depression into motivation. When I get that spark to do something, I do lift myself up, and push ahead. But I am riding in this race of motivation on a rusty bicycle, and gosh, if I don't just get so tired of change, and slow down my own progress until I've pretty much chucked that bicycle off to the side of the road, and laid down in the grass and let my life run past me again. I can't keep up. I can't stay motivated. What is wrong with me??

So, the promises become dissapointments. The dissapointments become my reality. And the reality of my life leaves me...sad.

I know I have lots of things that are wonderful. My husband, I love him so much. After 12 years, I'm still IN LOVE with him, and that is a rare gift. My children, good girls that they are, not perfect, but they make me happy (most of the time). My home, which is so very nice...nicer than I ever thought I could have for myself. Simple, not huge, but cozy. My job, part time is what I wanted, so I could still be with my kids. It's for a non-profit, which I told myself would give me a sense of satisfaction that I wasn't feeling when I worked for a corporation. These are the things I said I wanted, and I have them...and yet....

I guess it's a sense of PERSONAL dissatisfaction. I am not happy with myself. I make too many decisions based on what is best for my family, for our income, what is most practical, and not what will make me happy. I have few friends right now. I have no hobbies. I need something more in my life. But what? And how do I get it?

At least I'm writing it out...thats something. Maybe this will be enough to make me feel a bit better about myself today. I produced something. I created something. Just for me.