Been gone for about two weeks now, on vacation, but now it's back to life as usual. However, finding what is "usual" for us seems to be lacking the reassurance of past homecomings.
Everyone in my house is feeling like they have a permanent case of jet-lag, despite the fact that we've been home for almost 5 days now. I brought home a nasty and miserable cold, and my oldest daughter suddenly developed a stomach bug that won't allow her to move far from her bathroom. On top of that, the entire family is out of sorts and exhausted all the time.
It's not like it is our first trip to the East coast and back...we've been traveling that route for years. But something is different this time. Maybe because we've only lived here in Washington for 4 months before the trip, we technically came "home", but not to one we've had a chance to be fully invested in. Everything here feels surreal to me...the streets are familiar, my bed is soft and welcoming, and the old routine was awaiting me like a faithful dog at the front door. But none of it is waking me fully out of my stupor. None of it is triggering a settled feeling, to the contrary, it's creating more of a twilight zone effect. I'm walking around, doing my thing, but feeling like I'd benefit from a good 10 hours of solid sleep, and maybe some kind of shock treatment to get my wandering brain back into alignment with daily life again.
I do feel more of an urgency to get a job than ever before. Not that anyone back on the East coast even once questioned my prolonged (going on 4 years now) unemployment. Nobody seemed to care much what I'd been doing with myself or what I planned to do in the future. It was more like a personal realization that came back home with me, weighing so heavily on my mind that I can hardly pass a moment without pondering my (lack of) career possibilities.
I've always got the book...I think to myself as my eyes open far too early in the morning (my internal clock is still set 3 hours earlier than WA time). It's not a bad book. If I put some hard work into it, do some editing and rewriting of a few weak chapters, it is really pretty decent. I'd be willing to pay an expert to read it and offer their suggestions. I'd be willing to take the criticism of a critique, especially if it might offer the possibility of (gulp) actual publication.
This really seems probable when I hear about the glut of authors who have jumped on the self-publishing bandwagon. My husband works with a guy who actually has his own book for sale on Amazon. He worked with a self-publishing company, and he's been fairly successful with his efforts. However, from the combination of poor reviews on his Amazon page, combined with my own husband's cringing critique of the few pages he "managed to stumble through", the book itself is never going to make it onto the Best Seller list. In truth, it is riddled with misspellings, confusing chapters, and dialog that only the author can claim to understand. But it's published! And the guy has had his own book signings and copies have sold...so what the hell am I worried about??
The hard work? The possibility of rejection and failure on so many levels? The possibility that my own judgement about the book is skewed by my own ego?? Yes. Yes. And also, Yes.
So, being an author is always out there for me, but the specter of failure that haunts my imagination is a bit more frightening than I'm willing to deal with at the moment.
Then, what to do? Send out resumes to jobs I find interesting. Am I qualified for these jobs? No, but who cares? The worst I can do is bomb an interview, and in that case, at least I can say I tried. Do I want a career in banking? How about social work? Have I considered becoming a liaison for visiting foreign exchange students? Maybe I should just keep it simple, and restock books on the shelves of the local library?
Whatever I end up doing, I need to do it fast. My daily intake of gallons of coffee is not snapping me out of my stupor. No matter how many hours I sleep at night, or what pill I take or cough medicine I chug to knock me out completely, I still wake up every day in a fog.
Something has got to change. Any suggestions?
No comments:
Post a Comment